From Tight Fisted Faith to Open Hands: Lessons learned during this season of weakness

      Eleven months ago, I found myself in the ER getting a blood transfusion. My blood count was less than half of what my body needed to function and I was at serious risk of a stroke or heart attack. I’ve always been a healthy person, so this was a very surprising thing to occur in my life. I had become very sick and the cause was not clear. I spent the next 3 months being screened for different forms of cancer, autoimmune diseases, heart irregularities and the like. I was at the doctor for testing every week. I had two surgeries this year that were thought to be the solution; neither were. While they did alleviate a few symptoms, I am still not well and testing continues.

"HOLD YOUR BREATH, MAMA!!"
Even though I tried to hide many of my symptoms,
 this little guy had a keen sense and was always
trying to help me get better.

How I got here......

Over the past few years, I have felt a deep heaviness that will just wash over me at the worst times. It is an undeniable, deep rooted fear of failure. It takes different forms and hits me in different ways, but the source of it is always fear. Fear is this monster that makes us question everything we are doing and distracts us from the path we are on. I would start to feel like it’s all up to me….everything…. and without realizing it, little by little I had stopped relying on God and started relying on myself.

Then I got sick, and everything changed. I spent almost every single day of last school year running a fever, chilling, having body aches, weakness throughout my body and just general pain from head to toe. Most nights the discomfort kept me from sleeping through the night and I never once felt rested. Emotionally, I was falling apart, and fighting back tears on a daily basis. Mentally, I was a fuzzy mess!

The 8 tricks and jimmy rigs I used to turn my resistant readers into book lovers.

(That might be stretching it! Lets say, "real book likers" instead!)

I'll admit it, I am not a literary aficionado. I actually despised reading until 3rd grade and then only developed the ability to tolerate it after that. Four years of college prep school, followed by four years of undergraduate school, and I doubt I read half of the books I was assigned! That is so embarrassing to admit, but it's the truth. I did whatever I could to avoid reading a book cover to cover. I became a master skimmer, I watched the movies, asked friends to summarize reading assignments, and even read...or rather skimmed cliff notes (apparently even reading those was asking too much).

MORE Organized, LESS Messy.....STILL Imperfect

Week 1...... down! 

And along with it, the summer wiggles and acrobatic tricks out of their chairs when they were suppose to be studying. Okay...who am I kidding, that will never stop, but maybe we reined it in a little.

A little update:I actually whipped that room into shape. And best of all, I only had one burst of tears around 10 o'clock the night before school started. I was trying to get the walls decorated and the calendar up, when the thoughts racing in my head got the best of me. When in a foggy, sleep deprived state, I decided I couldn't do it and that they were probably better off in public school anyway! But, at last I made it through and this is how it looks.

A far cry from my previous post don't you think?

AFTER



BEFORE



So, my version of Christmas arrived just days before school started. The boxes were a welcomed sight. Full of exciting new books, DVDs, a new planner and endless learning!  

The Unorganized, Imperfect, Messy Homeschool Mom

When our school year came to a close on June 13th, to say I was exhausted is an enormous understatement. One of my sons asked me that week if I had "put my make-up on that way?" "What way?" "It looks like you painted dark make-up on around your eyes." And that's when I knew, I NEEDED A BREAK!!

And that is exactly what I did. Starting on June14th, I put all that was homeschool away. I vowed to my kids and husband, that I would not look at any school websites, log off my blog and set aside all projects for the next school year. It actually wasn't easy. Breaking my daily routine, and just focusing on muaw? It had been months since I did that. (I will write later about how I renewed myself this summer and show you my crafty projects!)

So here I am, 20 days until we go back to school.

I had great visions of how my second year would look and how I would be so impressively prepared, organized, and buckled up for success! Ehhhh, nope!