From Tight Fisted Faith to Open Hands: Lessons learned during this season of weakness

      Eleven months ago, I found myself in the ER getting a blood transfusion. My blood count was less than half of what my body needed to function and I was at serious risk of a stroke or heart attack. I’ve always been a healthy person, so this was a very surprising thing to occur in my life. I had become very sick and the cause was not clear. I spent the next 3 months being screened for different forms of cancer, autoimmune diseases, heart irregularities and the like. I was at the doctor for testing every week. I had two surgeries this year that were thought to be the solution; neither were. While they did alleviate a few symptoms, I am still not well and testing continues.

"HOLD YOUR BREATH, MAMA!!"
Even though I tried to hide many of my symptoms,
 this little guy had a keen sense and was always
trying to help me get better.

How I got here......

Over the past few years, I have felt a deep heaviness that will just wash over me at the worst times. It is an undeniable, deep rooted fear of failure. It takes different forms and hits me in different ways, but the source of it is always fear. Fear is this monster that makes us question everything we are doing and distracts us from the path we are on. I would start to feel like it’s all up to me….everything…. and without realizing it, little by little I had stopped relying on God and started relying on myself.

Then I got sick, and everything changed. I spent almost every single day of last school year running a fever, chilling, having body aches, weakness throughout my body and just general pain from head to toe. Most nights the discomfort kept me from sleeping through the night and I never once felt rested. Emotionally, I was falling apart, and fighting back tears on a daily basis. Mentally, I was a fuzzy mess!

Today, I choose JOY

I will not let the worries and busyness of this day, rob me of precious memories that each day affords. Because today, I choose JOY. A joy that comes from God when I fix my eyes on Him. A joy that comes from worshiping the Lord in all that I do. Today, I choose Joy!

Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Hebrews 12:2

Shout aloud and sing for joy, people of Zion, for great is the Holy One of Israel among you. Isaiah 12:6

Today, I choose CONFIDENCE

I will not let the fog of doubt and fear paralyze me in my best efforts as a mom and teacher. Because today, I choose confidence. A confidence in Christ who created me in His image and equips me for each day that I serve Him. Giving my best in my love and devotion to lead my children daily. I know I will fail and will come up short in something today. But in confidence I will continue on, knowing that I am only an instrument in my childrens' lives. It is God who will find their hearts and guide their steps to seek Him fully.

Where has all my MONEY gone?

My oldest son, is 15. This summer he developed a most obnoxious habit. It had actually been forming for years but it was this year that it hit its stride in him. It was the incessant uttering of the dreaded phrase, "I don't know."

Are you going to have breakfast?
I don't know.
How was your day?
I don't know.
Are your shoes in your room?
I don't know.
Did you take a shower yesterday?
I don't know.
Are you excited to go camping?
I don't know.

So with his Dad and I about to pull our hair out, my husband decided to stop the lectures about the annoying, dismissive phrase and take action. He got up from the dinner table, found a pint size mason jar, pulled far too much tape off the roll of masking tape, wrapped it around the jar a few times, took a Sharpie marker, and inscribed the words,